[24 Days to Go] The Evil Mustaches of Infamous Michigan Men Will Take You Down

Ah yes, it is a well-documented fact that even our crackpots at Michigan grow up to be successful, um, ... crackpots.

1. Take our first example, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who graduated from U of M medical school in 1952. Upon returning from the Korean War, he got a job at a Detroit hospital, where he quickly earned the name, “Dr. Death,” for his obsession with documenting the changes in his patients’ eyes as they died. He later became a symbol for assisted suicide, and I’m pretty sure he’ll euthanize you (and your Grandma) if you don’t grow a Mustache for Michigan.

"Well, let's take what people think is a dignified death. Christ was that a dignified death? Do you think it's dignified to hang from wood with nails through your hands and feet bleeding, hang for three or four days slowly dying, with people jabbing spears into your side, and people jeering you? Do you think that's dignified? Not by a long shot. Had Christ died in my van with people around Him who loved Him, the way it was, it would be far more dignified. In my rusty van.” -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian - July 29, 1996

2. William Ayers, Michigan grad. One of the co-founders of the Weather Underground, a radical 60’s anti-war group, he now holds the most sinister of all jobs: Professor of elementary education theory at the University of Illinois. If you don’t grow a Mustache for Michigan, Bill Ayers will befriend your next favorite political candidate.

3. Our final example should illustrate what happens if you simply grow a Michigan Beard, and don’t follow through with shaving it into a Mustache on game day. That beard will take control of you, stealing your sanity and whisking your body away to some place like, uh, Montana. Yeah, Montana.

If you don’t grow a Mustache for Michigan, Uncle Ted has got a package for you.

So, in summation, my Mustachioed Michigan compatriots, The Michigan Mustache can be a force for good or evil, but will always be a force to be reckoned with. We will take you down. We will take you down to downtown. In short, OUR MUSTACHES WILL FUCK YOU UP.